I went to Borders and bought myself a bunch of books yesterday. I guess it was kind of like a late birthday present to myself, and a celebration for getting a good report from my doctor. I am reading more than ever because it seems you can't get straight news anymore. Since when did the news go into National Enquirer mode? I want to know what's going on in the world and all I see is Michael Jackson. Anyway, I told someone the other day that I don't like reading fiction because it tends to get so profane or obscene or both. Bought Julie/Julia since it was buy one, get one half off. Sure enough, it's cute but also disgusting, in a way. The summer is slipping away, and I've gotten a lot done, but have a lot left to do before I get back to work.

I cannot believe this woman. If you listen to her talk she said "they were available and I used them" (Meaning the eggs.) How can you look at babies that way? This is so insane. Look at all the people who've gone into bankruptcy because they can't pay their medical bills... and we're supposed to pay millions for her? Worse yet, I feel sorry for all 14 kids. People are so outraged and the negativity has got to have an effect on them, and it's not their fault. This is so very sad. I think the team of doctors responsible for this should be held personally financially responsible to care for these babies. The only thing you can think is that they treated this woman as some kind of medical experiment.

Thank you, God, for my fence. My little dog ran around all happy. When will I get to the point when I can really love my enemies? Never in my life did I sense I had enemies, but suddenly, they've come up out of nowhere. Is this a test? How much can I take? I've decided to follow Jesus, no matter what. I decided a long time ago, but I decide today, too. Just give me the grace to bear it.

A longer lunch (i have 30 minutes.) Flexibility to come in earlier, which I do anyway, and get credit for it so that I can leave earlier.

Well,here I am. I woke up having a dream that I was trying to find my husband, who died twelve years ago this month. I still have dreams (nightmares?) that he's alive somewhere, hiding for me. At least this time I wasn't driving around looking for him. I was more sophisticated. I had hired ap rivate detective who was trying to find him via his social security number! Isn't it pathetic thatt his is where I'm at after twelve years? It's time to go back to school, both teaching and graduate school. I really hate this time of year. The anniversary of his birthday, death date, and going back to school! Ugh! Thank you, Jesus, for my lovely daughter. What other eighteen year old would call her mom sixteen times because I didn't answer? (I left my phone in the car.) Thank you for my wonderful dog. Please help me to accept and face the reality of this life, and somehow use my life as something more than an expression of pain.

I feel so sad for every girl that falls. This reminds me of a dog agility competition I saw a while back. A champion dog fell off of a ramp. She immediately looked to her owner/handler. You could just read her expression: Do you still love me? I have read people who are dog trainers saying, never give anything away for free i.e, make them work for their treat. Well, it has been the joy of my life to let my dog know I love her no matter what. What if we really communicated this to people? From the time we're children, we reward them for good behavior, and punish them for bad behavior. And, I guess for a society to function, we have to do this. But some way, we still need to communicate to every person, every creature, they are loved unconditionally. I guess this is what drew me to Jesus.

These us gymnasts had an awful night the other night, especially the girl who fell during her mount onto the balance beam. What must she have been thinking and feeling? How do you go on when you know you've failed, and there's a camera on your every facial nuance? I can't believe her coach let her plan such a difficult mount. But, that's beside the point; this whole scenario is kind of a picture of life. I fail, but I must go on. But it seems in life that, while it's really easy to see everyone's failures, it's much harder to see the successes we achieve every day.

I miss you, Andy. There isn't one day of the last 12 yrs that I haven't thought about you. Now I have grown up, and I am a different person. I would never go back to where I was, but I miss your smile, and being able to talk things over with you. I really wonder what you would think of my life now, and I believe you're part of the cloud of witnesses watching me. Making this film has made me think about you even more. I really wish I could have said goodbye to you, because I think that's why I keep dreaming about you.
Since you're with jesus, you're more alive than I am. You wouldn't believe how things are in this world now. But I got to see your mother and your family, and tell them how wonderful your life ended up, since they never really knew you at the end.

She never wonders why she's here- she's just glad to be here. She throws her head back, and howls like a wolf when I come home. She howls from the depths of her soul. She doesn't believe in, "oh, you take the biggest piece." She will take the biggest piece, or the best spot on the couch, and smile sincerely at you while she's doing it. You never have to worry about whether she really means what she says. She refuses to worry about anything.
God was having a very good day when He had the idea of making dogs.

When I was young as a Christian, I thought I knew everything. Then some very serious tragedies occurred, and I realized that I didn't know anything, and, furthermore, God isunder no obligation to give me any explanation. Now God did not fit into any box, and I didn't fit with any groups of Christians. I thought I lost my faith, but I knew I loved Jesus, though I couldn't explain it. Now I tell Jesus I love Him so much, but I don't know how to express it more. But I think He wants me to trust Him, and let trust be an expression of love. My life is impossible every day, and every day I make it through. I have been reading biographies of Prem Pradhan and Bakht Singh. Also Marina Nemat's book, Prisoner of Tehran. Has anyone read these?

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